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Sportsmen need better awareness!

December 2, 2013 Comments (0) Some Guy Rants

Sportsmen need the stomachs of a goat!

By Some Guy:

Goats can eat almost anything without experiencing any outwardly noticeable difficulties.  They can consume these things while living under the harshest of conditions also.  It seems everyone who keeps goats have them living in junk piles in their groves, or similar environments.  Goats seem to actually enjoy these conditions!  Even if the goats are placed in neat and tidy pens the goat will just jump the fence to get into the junk pile anyway.  Goats will many times walk past a trough of fresh grain, jump the fence and commence gnawing on the garbage you just tossed into the burn barrel.  At least this is my experience with goats anyway.

This is why I think the Billy goats’ stomach would be perfect for the sportsman.  Any and all shore lunches fishermen pack would remain edible almost indefinitely.  Lunchboxes have the uncanny ability to render the sportsman’s’ lunch inedible by anything but a goat.  The lunchbox has an accomplice for this, the icepack.  The lunchbox and icepack many times work together to destroy the contents.  Sandwiches are their favorite victims.  While the sandwich is minding its own business, quietly waiting the five hours in the bottom of the boat to meet its destiny, the lunchbox and icepack start the procedure.  The icepack attacks one side of the sandwich to turn it into a soggy, half frozen inedible mass.  At the same time the lunchbox allows the sun to penetrate its protective shell to turn the other side of the sandwich into a dried out, rock hard mass.  The other contents of the lunchbox will experience similar transformations.  A goats’ stomach could still find the contents palatable, a sportsman cannot.

A duck hunters’ lunch will also suffer from similar forms of transformation.  With the stomach of a goat, the wet soggy sandwich in your back pocket you just sat on would still be edible.  So would the sandwich you were smart enough to take out of your pocket.  The “out of the pocket” sandwich will inevitably have things happen to it also.  This sandwich will rest nicely on the bench in the duck blind until about one hour before you are ready to eat it.  At this time the sandwich will leap off of the bench into the mucky slop that is posing as the floor of the blind.  The sandwich will rest nicely in the slop until you are just about ready to eat it.  That is when the sandwich will find the bottom of your boot.  With a goats’ stomach these sorts of things would no longer be a problem.  You could just wipe off the sandwich and eat it.  You would also probably enjoy the added flavor.

Years ago I fell victim to a lunchbox and icepack sandwich deterioration that made me believe that possessing the stomach of a billy goat would be desirable.  The ordeal started innocent enough one Saturday as a typical “bottom of the boat” scenario.  As time went on I witnessed one of the greatest acts of malice a lunchbox and icepack have ever performed on a lunch!

One day I decided to go to one of my favorite ponds to do some bass fishing.  The forecast called for a cold front late that afternoon.  I was going to cash in on the pre-front feeding frenzy fish many times go into.  I planned on staying out all day so I retrieved my lunchbox from the cupboard.  I put in a couple of bologna sandwiches along with some generic chips, a granola bar and a can of Coke.  I tossed in the icepack and closed the box.  I loaded the John boat into the back of my truck with the rest of my gear and headed to the pond.

After fishing for a couple hours I looked at the lunchbox and thought, “Hmm, I’m not really hungry yet, but I should rotate the sandwiches.”  I didn’t want the whole hard and soggy thing going on.  At this time in my life I was very experienced with the ongoing conspiracy of the lunchbox and icepack.  The cold front came in shortly before noon.  This was well ahead of what the T.V. weatherman predicted.  This came as no surprise, as weathermen very seldom get the forecast right.  In no other business can a person be wrong so much of the time and still keep their job!  The front was a lot colder than forecasted also.  I thought, “I need to get out of here!”

I just got the boat turned around when the freezing rain hit.  By the time I got the boat out of the water and loaded, I was soaked clear to the bone!  I got in the truck and made the short drive home.  When I got home I just started to unload my gear when I decided that I would do it later.  I just needed to get warmed up!  As I passed through the kitchen on my way to the shower, I just dropped the lunchbox on the floor.  I never gave it another thought until I needed it again that next weekend.  The bologna sandwiches went undetected all week.  Tupperware is good stuff!

The next weekend my good friend, Bubba Griesly, and I were going over to the river to do some catfishing.  I overslept that morning and woke up to Bubbas’ gruff voice, “Get a move on.”  “We’re gonna be late!”  I jumped up and pulled my clothes on quick.  In my half asleep daze I headed to the kitchen.  I was going to throw together a quick lunch.  I grabbed the lunchbox and just opened the lid when nature called.  From the bathroom I could hear Bubba still yelling again, “Come on!”  “I got your rods loaded already, let’s go!”  I came out of the bathroom still half asleep and confused by Bubbas’ constant badgering about the time.  I looked at the lunchbox and thought, “Ooh, good.’  “I already made a lunch.”  I closed the lid and away we went.

I was starting to get real hungry sitting on that river bank.  My having missed breakfast made the hunger worse.  Finally I said, “Hey Bubba, watch my poles, I going to the truck to get my lunch.”  Bubba said, “Aw, just reel ‘em in.”  “I’m kinda hungry too.”  “This bucket is getting’ kind of hard, let’s just sit in the truck and eat.  On the way to the truck Bubba asked, “What’d you bring?”  I said, “Can’t remember.”  “I was half asleep!”  “Anything will taste good right now.”  I was wrong.

As I opened my lunchbox and pulled out the icepack I thought to myself, “Boy, this thing don’t work very good.”  I started with the chips.  They tasted kind of funny, real funny.  I just brushed it off, figuring this is just the way these generic brand chips tasted.  Bubba said, “Gee, those chips smell weird!”  “Yeah, I’ll never get “Jim’s Potato Chip Co.” chips again!”  The granola bar I had also tasted funny.  I quickly washed both down with the can of Coke.  I thought, “Crap this Coke is flat!”  “Stupid icepack.”  When I opened the first sandwich I found the source of the funny taste the other stuff had.  I thought, “God I’m gonna be sick!” as I laid the sandwich down on the trucks center console in disgust.

Now if I had the stomach of a billy goat, things at this time would have been quite different!  I could have just eaten those week old bologna sandwiches with no problem.  I too could have endured the pain of watching Bubba pick up that week old sandwich by mistake and woofing it down in four huge bites.  If Bubba had the stomach of a billy goat, he would not have projectile vomited all over the dash and steering wheel of his truck after his human stomach realized his mistake.  I too then would not have expelled the cocktail of tainted chips, granola and Coke all over the glove compartment after witnessing Bubbas’ performance!  It was a very long drive home that day.

This ordeal, and all other “food” related situations sportsmen suffer would be a thing of the past if we possessed the stomach of a billy goat.  Sportsmen could even eat SPAM®!  And enjoy it!

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